also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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