Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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