I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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