Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
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