She's JV to your varsity
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
