It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I just blew my weed a kiss
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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