Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Randomize
