You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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