At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
