I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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