Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
