they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
