I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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