Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Randomize
