You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
