what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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