My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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