you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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