BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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