i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
