How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
