the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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