I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize