my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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