Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
