life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
