He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
