Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
