I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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