He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
