I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
