i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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