just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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