I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
