apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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