i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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