They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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