obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
