my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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