the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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