I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
