Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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