Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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