I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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