so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
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