Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
