im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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