I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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