it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
