when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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