I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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