How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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