Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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