so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Pooping to opera.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
