Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
