i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
