i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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