Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
